Could Happen…

Here is a fun piece by our resident playwright Eric…Heard outside Neyland Stadium in the parking lot after the game…..

Big B: Woo hoo! Hail to Pitt. What a win! We’re gonna fly the WUP flag high and proudly tonight!

Richman: Someone toss me a beer from the cooler. Better yet, make it two. A win over Tennessee warrants double fisting.

Joe L: So that’s what it’s like to play in a real college stadium? The orange and white stripes were pretty impressive and Rocky Top was awesome. Did I mention that Penn State sucks and so does Sweet Caroline?

(An unnamed “Panther” Fan arrives)

“Panther” Fan: Hey boys! I drove 14 hours to see that? Wow did we suck. How did we win? We couldn’t tackle. Couldn’t run the ball.  And couldn’t cover in the secondary. Thank god that Milton and Hooker reminded me of Tino Sunseri. Couldn’t shoot fish in a barrel. 

Big B: Come on. We just went on the road against a talented SEC team, in front of 80,000 fans, and pulled out a “W”. You can’t be a little satisfied?

“Panther” Fan: Did I mention that our special teams were a disaster? Does a blocked punt ring a bell?

Big B: For the most part I can’t argue with you there. But hey, did you see Tipton, my boy from Apollo, down that punt on the 2?

“Panther” Fan: You mean the 7th year Senior who now qualifies for AARP? 

(Richman belches)

Richman: Sorry about that guys. 

Joe L: You at least have to admit that Kenny looked good today. How about that dime he threw to Stovall for our first TD?

“Panther” Fan: Whatever. Getting back to special teams, and speaking of dimes, Narduzzi must have a dime-sized brain for trying to kick a 56 yard field goal, on the road, with a freshman kicker. He got bailed out by a lame penalty flag, otherwise we might be talking about that boneheaded move after a loss instead of a win. By the way, did I show you guys the list of replacement coaches that I always carry around in my back pocket? I tried to email it to Heather this week, but apparently she wasn’t receiving e-mails due to being on vacation in the Outer Banks.

Joe L: Listen, Kenny completed 66 percent of his passes, had two passing touchdowns, one rushing, and converted two fourth downs with his feet. That’s a great game by anyone’s standards.

“Panther” Fan: Well, he should play that way, he’s been at Pitt long enough. Wasn’t he our starting QB when Obama took office? And if you look at the stat sheet, Kenny only averaged 7.9 yards per completion. Surely Reed won’t be impressed with that. We throw horizontally, not vertically, which is a problem.

(Editors Note: Hey it’s Reed here. You know, the guy who started the POV, the best blog in the history of Pitt Football. The mention of Obama borders on political discussion, which you all know is frowned upon here. Keep it up Panther Fan and I might have to ban you.

Big B: You also can’t ignore the effort of the defense. Five sacks, big goal line stand in the fourth quarter……

“Panther” Fan: Hold on a second Bernie. Did you watch the same game as I did? We gave up 34 points to a team in complete disarray. Only 71 scholarship players dressed for the Vols. 35 kids have left their program in the last two years. New coach, new playbook. Terrible quarterbacks. I could go on and on. If we were any good, we’d have won by 30.  And by the way, on the goal line stop, Petrishen and Pine were both unblocked due to incompetent Tennessee linemen. Hell, if UPitt were in the game, he’d have made that tackle.

Richman: Speaking of UPitt, he texted me during the game. Said he was impressed by the size of the Tennessee logo painted at midfield. He also mentioned that the tiny Panther head painted on the 50 at Heinz Field for the Massachusetts game looked like it was microscopic and involved third graders from the Carrick middle school.

(Big B’s cell phone rings. It’s Ike. Calling from LAY-TROBE. Bernie puts him on speaker)

Ike: Bernie!!! How about that win! Bring on Alabama! I told UPitt this week that we would cover and that he should bet big on the Panthers. He said that he might put ten grand on Pitt. He also said that he would donate the winnings to Pitt Athletics and ask for the AD office to be named the “Mehalovich 2000 Yellow Blouse Athletic Director”. Has a catchy ring to it, doesn’t it?

Big B: So Ike, do you actually believe that this win could propel us to the ACC Coastal Title?

Ike: You think too small Bernie. You saw what Georgia did to Clemson, didn’t you? Clemson lost to an SEC team. We just beat an SEC team. We are primed for the ACC title. We’ve got Clemson’s number. This is Pat Narduzzi’s year. I think if things fall right, we might make the College Football playoff.

Big B: I was thrilled with the win today, Ike, but isn’t that going a bit too far?

Ike: Heck no! If we can become national title contenders in Women’s Volleyball and Men’s Soccer due to Heather Lyke’s excellence, we can do the same in football.

“Panther” Fan: Uh, Ike. Ms. Yellow Blouse didn’t hire either Dan Fisher or Jay Vidovich.  And it’s a pipe dream for our Football program to be anything but mediocre as long as she is our AD and Meatballs is our head coach…. Man, I’m thirsty. Hey Richman, toss me a Fanta.

Ike: I’ve gotta go. I can’t listen to your negativity after such a program-changing win.

(Ike disconnects call)

Joe L: I just got a text from Richard in South Carolina. He is concerned that we rushed for less than 100 total yards and averaged under 2 yards per carry. He says that statistically speaking, we can’t expect to win many games with an abysmal running game.

“Panther” Fan: He’s right. Our offensive line sucks. Our running backs suck. And our 80 year old offensive coordinator sucks worst of all.

Big B: Come on now. I know that we’ve become a pass-oriented team. But when we needed to salt the game away in the last 5 minutes, the line opened holes and both Flea and Izzy moved the chains.

“Panther” Fan: Listen, Bernie, you are forgetting that we are Pitt. SOP, remember? We just beat a mediocre SEC team that won 3 games last year. How is that impressive? History under gorilla calves tells us that he’ll lose to Western Michigan or New Hampshire. As a matter of fact, Erie Express is so confident in that happening, that he told me before the game that he has already made a tee time for next Saturday afternoon so that he doesn’t have to watch the carnage. I got a call from danh72 too. He hates Narduzzi so much,  he predicts a 4 win season.

JoeL: Well I know where I’ll be next Saturday morning. I’ll be in the Red 5A lot bright and early, setting up an epic tailgate with Lastrow, a.k.a., Fran the Franchise. This team is different. I’m going to channel my inner Ike and say we get on a roll and wind up winning 9 or 10 games this year.

(Editors note: Hi. Its me again, Reed. Don’t you people pay attention? Don’t you understand that we are never going to win nine or ten games under the Chris Bickell ’97 Head Football Coach Pat Narduzzi?  We are a crap program, recruiting two and three star players, playing in crap bowls until further notice. When will you people get that through your thick skulls?)

Big B: I’m starting to get on the bandwagon too Joe L. Did you see our receivers today? Addison, Mack and Stovall were terrific. Shocky threw a great block. Krull is a weapon that we have been missing for years. We have scored 92 points in two games. The receivers only had 2 drops today. What’s not to like?

“Panther” Fan: How about Heather, Narduzzi and Whipple to start? And just to be thorough, I’ll toss in our defensive coordinator, Bates. Our linebackers and secondary couldn’t cover anyone today, and treated tackling like it was an accident.

Big B: Whaddya say we just celebrate a hard earned victory here in Knoxville and worry about the rest of the season on Monday. We all invested a lot of time and money to come here for the weekend, and it was all worth it. For me, it was the best Pitt road trip since the Clemson upset. The Tennessee fans were fantastic, the Pitt fans turned out in droves, and a great weekend was had by all. 

Hail to Pitt!