Author’s note: This is a controversial piece so I am adding a disclaimer. I wrote this because I’m tired of writing the same old “Narduzzi missed out on a talented local therefore he sucks at recruiting” piece. I’m equally as tired of writing “hey this guy really didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things Narduzzi has other options” piece (which is incidentally pretty close to what I believe). Instead I opted to try my hand at a bit of satire, mostly because it was fun for me to write. Now it may not have turned out great (or depending on your POV maybe it did), so whether or not you laugh, chuckle, smile or think it’s the worst thing you’ve ever read, you should take it with a giant grain of salt. Narduzzi will hit and miss on many more local recruits over the years, and there is plenty of time for the kind of writing you are used to. Hail to Pitt.
Central Catholic DE AJ Beatty has committed to the enemy. Not West Virginia. Not Penn State. Not even Syracuse. Nope, Pittsburgh Central Catholic’s AJ Beatty has committed to UNC.
There can only be one reason that a white, (presumably) middle class, private school kid from Pittsburgh would want to go to UNC (and nevermind the football).
Is the world-class education? Nope.
Is it because UNC is the second-most-highly-regarded semi-elite white-bread school in the country? (Duke would be the first). Nope.
Is it because Mac Brown has bag-men all over Allegheny County? Nope.
It’s because AJ Beatty is secretly in cahoots with Pat Narduzzi.
“Wait. What!?” You say, “AJ Beatty hates Pat Narduzzi. And by the looks of the tweet below, Narduzzi apparently doesn’t love AJ Beatty.”
Yup. That’s exactly what they want us to think.
The truth of course is that AJ Beatty is Narduzzi’s secret weapon. It’s really the only way to explain it.
Look, Pat Narduzzi has had four tries to beat UNC fair-and-square, and he’s failed. Well, the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results, so credit to Pat because he’s changed things up.
I’m pretty sure this is how it went down:
Duz: Hey AJ you want to come be a Hometown Hero? Help defend your city?
Beatty: Heck yes I do!
Duz: Oh man, that’s great. But gee-whiz take a look here at this depth chart. You see we’ve been recruiting defensive ends like they’ve been going out of style and even though you’ve got like 39 other scholarship offers your probably going to have to … um … “compete for a position”… if you know what mean. Plus we got this guy Dayon from Westinghouse. Oh you’ve heard about him? Cool. Well we really like him and that’s just another guy you’ll be competing against, but listen, I’ve got this idea…you like sunshine and hot girls right?
Beatty: But coach, I want to practice with the Steelers! I want to play at Heinz on Saturdays! I love Pittsburgh, and I love Pitt!
Duz: Look kid…er AJ, I know that and that’s all great, but I really need your help here. You see, Pitt hasn’t beaten UNC since you were like 8 years old. And I’ve never beaten them, and if we lose to them this year I’m really going to be on the hot seat. And with that old fuddy duddy Mac Brown coming in…say have you ever heard of Johnny Majors II? No? Oh well never mind then! You know UNC is a great school. Much better than Pittsburgh academically. And then there is the weather, and I already mentioned those North Carolina southern belles. All blonde haired and blue eyed at UNC, yeserree.
Beatty: Um…so you… want me to go to UNC?
Duz: Well want is a strong word kid…er AJ. Think of it more as an opportunity. You go down there… practice hard, get to know them really good. Build trust and all…and then you know…when the least expect it, maybe steal some signs. Or you know, photocopy the playbook. Or hey fedex an iPad. There’s lots of opportunities! You said you love Pitt, right? Hey, well what better way to defend your city? And then you know if they don’t start you as a freshman, or you don’t like it or whatever, there’s always the transfer portal. You might have to “compete for a position” as a freshman here at Pitt, but all my transfers are guaranteed some kind of starting position!
Beatty: Oh man coach you might be on to something here, but let me think about it. <Thinks about it for a minute> Alright coach I’m in, but can I be in that “Defend the City” edit you guys keep flashing to all the local guys? That thing is 🔥 🔥 🔥 .
Duz: <rolls eyes> Apparently street smarts and book smarts are two different things. Look they’re never going to let you into UNC if you keep saying dumb things like that. Would kind of tip your hand don’t you think? So just keep your mouth shut and let me doing the thinking around here. Hey you know what? Why don’t you make that Pic of you in the UNC uniform your Twitter Profile pic? Heheh yea, that’ll get ’em.
Beatty: Oh yea. Good point coach. Well whatever you need me to do. I’m just here to help the team.
Duz: Atta-boy kid...er AJ. Hail to Pitt. We’re going to turn on the victory lights as soon as you sign your LOI. <rolls eyes again>. Now let’s go get some Primanti’s. You know they’ll put fries in your sandwich down south if you ask them to…
So see, proof-positive right there. Pat Narduzzi can recruit.
Hail to Pitt
PS – None of this is true.